The only silver lining in the sky to this story is that I've since gotten my monitor working. But unfortunately, yet again, my super-savvy-ultra-know-how-turbo-overclocking-PC-computer-wizard friend has assessed the problem. And it was so rare that even he was taken aback! He suggested I get another motherboard, and for you non-super-savvy-ultra-know-how-turbo-overclocking-PC-computer-wizards, it is the most central piece to the internals of a computer. In other words, it will cost over $600, considering that a new motherboard will require a new soundcard (because that killed itself too!), a new graphics card, new RAM cards, and much more garbage!
And if you're such a Neanderthal that you've never heard of any of this, get your tush on some sort of research. IMMEDIATELY!
That is all,