Wednesday, February 26, 2014

No idea. I was clearly in love when I wrote this with what must have been the 40th girl.

I love everything about you,
But if I tell you that,
It would both ruin the mystery
And spoil the surprise. 
In all honesty though,
I don't quite care if you find someone else,
So long as we can remain friends;
As I would rather be friends with you forever than have a relationship with you for a month, only to have us hate and unable to stand one another. 
But if we could have a relationship together without it getting stale, 
Now that would be a marvel. 
And that could last forever. 
However, at this moment,
You are likely wondering what I want. 
I don't know what I want since all I like is spending time with you. I don't know what love is since I've never had it; I've never had a relationship nor sex. All I do know is that I've never felt I've had more fun spending time with you than any other girl before. I can happily do nothing with you; waste away the day, without the slightest care. Yet alone, I am laser-focused on my next task. But with you, nothing else matters than earning your next smile or laugh. Perhaps it's sad I'm a virgin and have never had a girlfriend before and thus don't know what I'm looking for. But what I fear is that if I look for another girl while I'm waiting for you, I will miss out oh the brilliance you are. 

Yes, I have been deliberately vague with you, but that's been because I've been explicit with other girls, giving away my deepest feelings away far too soon and easily and in turn, scaring them all away, one-by-one. Perhaps you're different. No, I know you are. And in the best way possible. But I always wonder (as I'm sure you do), "Am I worth another person's love, time and attention?" 
Yes. Absolutely. You. Are. 

If you will let me be myself. If you will love me for who I am. Then I will love you. 

For all the idiots who ask "what kind of bushings should I get for my car?"

Spherical bearings (instead of urethane or rubber bushings) last longer and handle better. 


I can no longer stand the idiocy of this country. The naïveté present here is unbearable. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 1

I feel I've gotten the raw end of the love deal all my life. 21 years old and yet no significant other, nothing apart from being kissed by two girls and kissing one while on the verge of being black-out drunk.

I'm not in the slightest afraid of girls and find it quite fun actually. Most of my friends here (30 or more) are girls and I find it most stimulating to talk with them over their male counterparts for both the interesting perspectives and level of energy they offer but also how they can continue talking on-end, which could not be more ideal for a German major, studying German language in––you guessed it––Germany. 

But there's a certain disconnect for me when it comes to getting intimate with one girl. I feel girls don't want to be kissed, touched nor have sex. So, being the (perhaps) feminist-minded, modern male I am, I put myself in the shoes of virtually every female with whom I interact and ask myself, "would I like to be treated like this?" The answer (when the male's action includes touching, kissing, etc.) is often no. Or so I think. 

Is it simply that girls, due to society's pressures, act as if they want nothing intimate because peers will label them as a "slut," "whore" or otherwise? How naïve am I really? 

Friday, February 14, 2014

So I met a girl...

Yes, I meet a lot of girls. But some are more special than others and I've yet to have anything special between any of them.

So here is [perhaps] yet another blog about a girl. I can't even recall if I've written about other girls here before. What the hell.

It was yet another cloudy winter day in Frankfurt, Germany in Nordend, the city's more well-to-do district, laden with gourmet restaurants and expensive bakeries. I was fresh from my trip to Cologne with a girlfriend, to whom I confessed my affection for her. Suffice to say (as I'm about to be talking about another girl), she did not return the emotion, but enjoyed spending the weekend with me nonetheless.

It was fabulous. I could tell this girl anything I wanted. And just like any inexperienced lover (like moi), you tend to fall in love with just about anyone that seems vaguely viable; attractive, intelligent, easy to talk to and of course, funny.

But this girl was the most special up until that point. She was actually also the first girl I was attracted to, with whom I slept in the same bed. But did nothing with.

Enough of Cologne, and we find our main character  back in Frankfurt, a young 21-year-old Michael Lenoch, recently filled with the confidence required to speak with an attractive young female and the illusion of spending a weekend getaway with a girl he thought he had a chance with.

Michael then sensed a great feeling of loneliness come over him. All throughout the day, he found himself speaking with strangers (both men and attractive women) in a shallow attempt to fill this newly-created void of a female companion.

Then later in the day, Michael was going to the post office to return some shoes. Along the way, he saw an attractive blonde and took the opportunity to ask her where the post office was. Michael, of course, had a general idea as to where the post office was, but took advantage of the situation even so.

Happily, the bright-eyed young blonde told Michael that she, too, was headed to the post office. The two walked and talked on the way as well as in line. Michael assumed the girl was older than he was due to the different education systems in the United States and Germany, but after he shared that he was 21 and studied at Goethe University, her blue-green eyes widened for the surprising number of similarities between the two and seeming destiny that brought the two together. Seems like the makings of movie, does it not?

At the post office, Michael had to tape up his package and the girl was keen to help him. This piqued his interest. A nice and attractive girl who is my same age and studies at my same university? Meant to be? 

The opportunist that Michael is, he took advantage of the situation and asked the girl to coffee. To Michael's surprise, she had said yes! The two went to a local coffee house they'd both heard good things about, Café Caramel. Over coffees and a small lunch, the two shared laughs, their backgrounds, opinions, curiosities, experiences, anecdotes and realized they had much in common than it would have seemed at first. Michael gladly paid.

Michael was actually so surprised the day had already gone that well that he asked her if she'd come with him to get some errands done. Intriguingly, she happily complied and Michael reciprocated with an errand of hers.

The two then spent the rest of the day exploring some of the areas Michael didn't know too well, continuing to share thoughts, anecdotes and opinions along the way.

Given the girl knew more of Frankfurt than Michael, he asked her where they could get a meal with grüne Soße, a famous Frankfurt specialty sauce with various herbs. The pair found a typical German restaurant called Leib & Seele, where Michael got a hamburger with the sauce. The sauce was better than expected, but the meat's quality could have been higher. Michael neglected to say this so as to not ruin the German beauty's meal. Throughout the meal itself though, more laughs were shared.

The two then went to an art book store, where many of the books were about America. They shared about their ambitions to go on a cross-continental road trip. The blonde also noted that she would like to attend a real American Thanksgiving and Michael was quick to invite her.

In the book store, Michael both got the beauty to speak in English (despite her previously insisting she would by no means speak in English) and to let out some of her loudest, most uncontrollable laughs. This made Michael very, very happy just seeing a nice, pretty girl happy and valuing spending time with him. In fact, it was enough to make Michael cry. Not then and there, but perhaps as he wrote this.

Then two days later, Michael was under the impression he was to cook his beloved Minestrone soup for her at her apartment. But as luck (or un-luck in this case) would have it, she not only rescheduled, but also waited until the last minute to tell him she had a fever. Up until that point, Michael was nervously waiting her response via Facebook with ingredients in hand.

Michael has always been a bit of a skeptic when it has come to love, however. He has always felt no matter how good-looking, in-shape, friendly, charismatic, funny nor generous he can be, his personality will always be too weird for any prospective mate. His lifestyle, way of thinking or whatever it may be are simply too far out for the average self-conscious, used-to-and-expecting-normalcy girl.

Michael has doubts about anything coming about now. He's actually quite sick of falling in love and being disappointed all over again and again. It seems every girl to cross his path leaves him for one unsaid reason or another, disappointed.

Michael can't stand it, he needs something, someone. Happy Valentine's Day. I guess. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Massively Inadequate

Perhaps I have never had a relationship because I had always felt inadequate compared  to the confidence-carrying, high head-holding masses that convince me I'm mentally unstable, when in truth, the people who appear happiest or best off are actually the opposite. Now how was that for a run-on sentence?