Thursday, June 5, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 28: the Huffington Post says I done good!

Just yesterday, I wrote about the things I thought I did right and wrong. Very ironically, this article from the Huffington Post, mirrors just about everything I did on the date.

Let's take the tips the 'Post recommends one-for-one and compare what I did.

"1. If you meet a woman and you go out on a date and had a decent time, call her and ask her out again." Check. 

"2. Ask a woman at least three questions about herself. " Duh. It's not snobbish of me to say I'm a rather good conversationalist because I rarely talk about myself unless asked. I probably asked her 20 questions about herself! (Although, maybe at a certain point, it's a bit much... [Oh, who am I kidding, I always doubt myself! Well, that comes with having so little success with women, I'm always trying to pinpoint what ingredient of the recipe is missing!])

"3. If your best friend is a single woman, you will need to explain that dynamic at some point." For better or for worse, that never came up in the conversation.

"4. If you have ever been married or are still married by law, that's important information to share. On date #1." I'm a 21-year-old single guy. Always have been. Oh, not the 21 part, but the part about being single. Not really something to worry about...

"5. Pay for the first date." This was even in my list of things I did right.

"6. Don't shovel food in your mouth." We didn't eat, but given I was raised by a fine woman, I really doubt this is something of concern for me.

"7. Smile. Laugh. Smile more." I smile, laugh and smile more when I am with people all the time. I enjoy peoples' company, indiscriminant if I want to be their friend or something more. In fact, the one I was with turned red on multiple occasions. 

"8. If you have more than one cat, you may want to save that nugget until date #7." Never had a cat. Don't plan on getting one.

"9. If you're super-close with your mom and sisters, that's sweet and most women will find that sensitive and endearing." Perhaps forgot to mention that I take after my mother more than anyone else, but as I mentioned earlier, I prefer to talk about the person with whom I am talking to keep conversation flowing and it was also not pertinent to the conversation we were having. So that's a "no."

"10. Again, men, CALL HER." HELLO? I did, bitch. If you never want anything to do with me ever again during your entire life on this planet, why give me your number, walk me to my door and laugh, smile and turn red so when you were with me so much? Just trying to be nice? That's a bit too nice and clearly, mislead me into thinking you liked me. 

Don't play with guys' hearts. Especially desperate (and as I've been told, sweet, good-looking [not my opinions, so don't get angry at me]) guys like me who really mean everything they say and do. Oh, and important side note, never had anyone ever significant in his love life. 

Get it?!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 27: How to Date German Girls (What I think I've learned)

So, after this girl has not responded to me for what has to have been a little less than 36 hours (but who's counting? [sigh]), it's more than likely she never wants to ever see me again. And that's fair. I can barely count the number of girls who have felt this way about me. But what I say to that is that these girls have misunderstood me, never bothered to try to understand me or made false assumptions about me.

In the past, I've thought revealing that I'm a virgin early on may alleviate some problems (I thought girls were paranoid of men who want sex), but no. It only serves to make you look needy and creepy. Surprise. But how was I to know?

Now, let me review the mistakes I made on the coffee date:

1: Talking too quickly

I was genuinely nervous to meet this girl, because this was the first time I had ever talked to a girl online before meeting her in person (usually the girl should feel this way, not the guy, I digress). My nervousness was easy to identify by the speed at which I spoke, the frequency at which I went to the bathroom (thrice, to be exact) and how uncomfortable I appeared with dead air, as I constantly was moving on to new topics, even if they were trivial.

Today at my university, there was a tour day for high schoolers and I noticed there were some awfully attractive girls with some otherwise rather nerdy looking guys. I think what German girls look for subtly attractive guys, who are quiet, nonchalant, non-flashy, occasionally funny and not easily impressed or excitable. To me, that's the essence of boring. I cannot, nor want to ever be that way. So if the blonde German girls I so [shamefully] lust after seek something like that, they can forget about me providing such stoicalness.

There is almost certainly this notion that the above mentioned personality traits are what constitute "manliness" in Germany. In America, it is rather different; a more exaggerated idea of strength, willingness to fight spontaneously, stand for what one believes in to any end, dress with little regard and to center one's life solely around sports and little else.

2: Showing my pink iPhone

My life is a joke. Life is not meant to be taken seriously. Actually, nothing is to be taken seriously. It is all what we make of it. I got a pink iPhone because I think it's hilarious and I enjoy seeing peoples' reactions when they see a man wielding it. Yet, given this girl's values are more on the conservative, (BORING) German (ALSO BORING) side, a funny man who does not take himself seriously (contrary to all the dating guides I've ever read, which I mean, they should all be right, or am I missing something?) is not something she is looking for.

3: "Lying"

OK. Important clarification. I am one of the most honest people in the known world. I do not kid myself, I poke fun at myself and hell, read my other Loser Love Diaries to see how incredibly honest and open I am with my readers (anyone on the internet who can type in!

Yet, a girl I barely know, and one, who in turn barely knows me is not so likely to believe that when she already thinks I'm a liar. You see, (as I alluded to in an earlier post), I made my Tinder account say I am actually 26 to see if my chances of getting in touch with a girl were any higher. But because I am so honest, I told her I am actually 21. Why is that such a big deal when she is 23...? Leave it up to women to make mountains out of molehills.

It's very German of me to only look on the bad side of things, but let me reflect on what I actually, incredibly, did well during the date:

1: Kept conversation flowing

Yes, there is a balance to keep when talking to girls, however, I would argue that talking too much rather than too little is preferable. It keeps the girl engaged and if anything, entertained.

2: Complimented her

Right after we sat down at the cafe, I complimented her, telling her she is much prettier in person than in the pictures, to which she turned red.

3: Paid

It's a sign of a good man when he pays, without even hinting at the possibility of the girl paying. Smartly, I also asked her if she wanted something else as I ordered a water after my coffee. While looking at her, I paid and thanked her for the invitation. Classy. Or so I think.

4: Went in for the kill

OK, not really. I didn't pull a Brazilian (kiss on the first encounter), however, I did have the cajones enough to ask for her number. I did it with a straight face and she obliged. What I wonder most of all, however, is what was running through her mind as I asked her. Because that's after all what I am still contemplating. Why would you give a guy your number if you have no intention of ever seeing him again? To let him down easy? To tease him?

Bonus round: one thing she did that confuses me to this day (albeit, this date was only a couple of days ago).

She walked me home. I didn't know where she lived and I said, "Oh, I'll walk home this way" and she offered, "Oh I live along the same street, let me come with." OK...? Never had a girl this eager for anything. Why then, would you ask me out for coffee, turn red multiple times as I compliment you, pay for your coffee, give me your number, text me, telling me that you enjoyed our time together and yet not respond for nearly two days? It doesn't at all add up!

I titled a previous Loser Love Diary "I think too much," which proves ever true. Maybe she is yet again engulfed in her doctor studies and would actually enjoy spending more time with me (or is just a really be sadist and enjoys witnessing me pull my hair out in the form of a silly blog that has a reader base of five viewers per post).

Whatever the case, I have got to talk to new girls to get this one off my head for the moment. The more you think about one girl you are interested in, the creepier you will subconsciously come off whenever you do talk to her.

Get a hobby, hang out with guy friends, girl friends, other potential girls to pursue, anything to get her off your mind!

Loser Love Diaries 26: German Tinder Failure, Part II

Well, after entering my Tinder age as 26 (as per a recommendation from a friend, because he told me when girls see the age 21, they think all the guys would talk about would be cars, sex, etc. and entering my true age would be a disservice to my maturity level), I think the girl with whom I went for a coffee date with is less than happy with me.

She found out that I am in fact 21 because, well, I cannot lie and could not when the subject came up. And yet in this case, not lying in turn makes me look like a lier. Yet the most unfair and most aggravating bit of the whole situation is that I never lie. Not ever, under any circumstance. And yet it's all because while girls may be easy to impress, they're even easier to upset. This untrue first impression of me, then, has served to spoil any chance I may have had with this girl.

You see, I am the world's most pathetic pursuant of any female. So I thought, yes, (in part because I understood as Tinder as a big joke and there was no possibility at all of actually going on a date with a real-live female, let alone her asking me on a date and let alone her actually being pretty) I will gladly and shamelessly take any advantage I possibly can. Making my age 26 fit the bill.

Our text messaging conversation went as follows (roughly, [and translated from German] as I can remember it, because her not responding for dozens of hours at a time pissed me off so much, I deleted it multiple times):

Me: "Hi, it's Michael the crazy American. I hope you enjoyed Sunday :D"

Me (several hours later upon receiving no response, despite her reading it; important to note: via Tinder, she would always respond immediately): "Guess not... XD"

Her: "Hey, sorry I was really busy doing my doctor studies, how are you doing?" (You didn't seem to have any doctor studies when we were talking on Tinder and when you thought I was 26, now did you...?)

Her: "Yes, it was a nice Sunday."

Me: "I'm doing well thanks to the sun finally being out."

Me (question out of the blue several hours later thanks to me no longer giving a fuck, seeing as though she was barely interested in me anymore): "Hey, you seemed quite disappointed to find out I'm not actually 26, correct?"

Her: "Truth be told, it does bother me a little."

Me: "Well if it doesn't bother you too much, do you want to meet again sometime?"

And now, that's as it sits. As of this writing, I sent that message a total of 24 hours ago, and if Whatsapp's indicators are to be believed, she has indeed read the message.

I'm contemplating saying the following things:

"OK, I understand. You want nothing to do with me anymore. Thanks bye."

"You think I'm a liar now, don't you? Well, I'm actually the last person to lie. You can ask any of my friends." (Then again, why would anyone believe anyone who they think is a liar in the first place?)

"Why does age even matter that much to you? You're 23 and I'm 21. So what? I'm going to begin my professional life before you anyway."

I'm not satisfied with any of the answers. I think it's perhaps best to just say to her "Bye," delete her as a contact and be happy with the minimal sense of vitriol I may gain.

I hate this seeming German notion to say nothing when you don't like a guy anymore. Why can't you just fucking tell me, "No, I don't want to see your ugly-ass face anywhere near me ever again."

Why do German girls have to let me down easy? Just tell me what the fuck you are thinking! Let me know what the hell it is I am doing wrong, so that at some point during my adult life, maybe, just maybe, I might find a girl.

German girls, I find also rely too heavily upon first impressions. They never ever allow any second chances -- and every friend of every German girl I've come into contact with seems to have a personal vendetta against me, steering the girls I am actually interested in well clear of me. What did I ever do to do deserve such rotten luck with every single girl I have been remotely interested in?

Let me avoid selling myself short here: I am a very nice guy, I never lie (except when it comes to stupid dating apps), I laugh, I smile (hell, I even got this girl I'm talking about to turn red on multiple occasions, I don't know why I have to stress about stuff like this!) and girls find me attractive. And you know what? I'm such a decent guy, in fact, that I'm not looking for a slantpiece, but really a companion, a best friend with whom it wouldn't be weird to spend most days of the week with, to watch movies with or to talk about deep emotions with. I'm not looking for a girl for the wrong reasons and I know I want a girlfriend.

Perhaps I need to stop looking. If this girl doesn't respond within another 24 hours, I'm deleting her from my life. It's a good thing I took the first step and deleted Tinder already then.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 25: Thinking Too Much

Here I am, it's 1 AM and I am sitting in my near-spotless room in Frankfurt, Germany with a feeling that my life is empty. With this girl on the verge of ignoring me [for good], I feel so lonely. My issue is as soon as a girl comes into my life (I mean, she asked ME to coffee, what girl does that?!), I get so attached to her.

It's a real shame, but I figure I have to take a page from the way girls think; that is, to treat potential mates as disposable. That's awful, I don't like it, but unfortunately it appears to me that's the way the world is structured. Perhaps I'm too nice of a person to think that way.

I think the prime issue at hand, more than anything else, is my overuse of commas. All kidding aside, (dammit, another comma!) it's that a number of my friends tell me I'm good-looking (guys and girls) or tell me that "Frauen stehen auf dich!" (which translates roughly to "Women like you!"). This, then, puts a great deal of pressure on me to find a mate as soon as possible.

In addition, my family (sisters, mother, father, cousins) all regularly ask me, "Did you get a girlfriend yet?" over and over. There's an expectation that because girls find me attractive that I should have a girlfriend by now. When I told a friend I never had a girlfriend his eyes grew exponentially and seemed to have gotten angry in disbelief.

However, I find (and I've said this on multiple occasions) is that what you can't understand by just looking at me is my odd personality; which repulses more than it seems like it will ever attract.

At the end of the day it has to simply be that girls my age do not know what they want and that in truth, an older (anywhere from 30 and older, yes I find them attractive, eat your heart out) woman would suit me a lot better. The difficulty however is finding one that would not mind having a younger man. Or even down the road having kids, which would mean we would have to sooner than later thanks to her fleeting fertility.

Oh the things I contemplate. I need to work on my car more and think about girls less.

Loser Love Diaries 24: German Girls

This German girl with whom I got to know via Tinder and had a brief date with [incredibly] responded to my texts. However, she seems less than enthusiastic to talk to me. I think I can chalk this up to how overly-energetic and try-hard I was at our coffee date. Out of the three times I went to the bathroom, sI returned to find her on her phone, inevitably informing her friends on how awful of a person I am.

You see, this would then be the second (but who's really counting ;)) German girl I have pursued. And it seems to me because I am so odd, so out-there, so different, I appear unattractive to German girls. Which means German girls astonishingly in some ways have higher standards than even I do when searching for a mate.

While I discriminate on hair color, hobbies, interests, they discriminate on country of origin. It seems as though they are only attracted to boring, traditional German males.

I'll keep you all posted. I'm sure you're dying to know what comes next... Good one.

Loser Love Diaries 23: Tinder and Whatsapp Rollercoaster

Just last week I felt desirable. I had two girls regularly sending me Whatsapp messages (one even asked me to have sex with her [despite this sounding absurd and unlikely, this was the second time for such a thing to escape the mouth of a female directed at me]) and was chatting with multiple girls via Tinder. This, though, was during a brief period when I had no money, so I avoided asking these girls on dates or going to clubs with them. 

This whole coincidence came to me as a surprise because it’s an event in itself when any girl talks to me. I think it has to do with simply how odd of a person I am. I seem to repulse any and all German girls with how quirky I am. But don’t think for a moment that means I will ever change my personality for a girl. I will remain true to myself, even if that means I must stay single for the rest of my life. 

I had a date with a girl I came into contact with on Tinder, but I will avoid the details (as I learned the hard way that girls hate to be written about), especially given the possibility this girl and I potentially have a future together. However, I will say that after getting her number, I deliberately avoided talking to her for a day (to play the role of the proverbial “tough guy”/asshole girls always seem to subconsciously drape themselves over). 

Right now, it’s day two of the two-day process and I texted her a couple of hours ago, yet to receive anything. I am becoming paranoid, as if she pretended to enjoy my company, the date and only turned red on multiple occasions to feign her fondness of me. As if she is simply so polite that she cannot bear to possibly say she can’t imagine us together. I would frankly prefer for any girl to be as bluntly honest as possible, as I am about absolutely everything (as you can see for yourself on this blog, wherein I confess everything in candid detail). 

Though, I maintain it’s good to continue to be skeptical about my love life, to not believe it when a girl likes you, to think you are not good-looking or that you have any chance with any girl. Yes, it’s ego-destroying, but at the same time you can only ever be pleasantly surprised and never disappointed. 

So consider my outlook more in the way of realism than skepticism, because going by my track record (let’s see, kissing a total of four girls in my life, with nothing else, nothing more, nothing less, ever, no girlfriends, no sex), there’s little to expect or for that matter, be optimistic about. Why else do you think this blog series is titled “Loser Love Diaries”? I am brutally honest with and critical about myself and that’s how I will continue to be and I love it. I think it makes for an interesting blog at least. 

I write this blog, after all, as a form of therapy for the wild ups (yeah, right) and mostly downs of my love life. Talking to my friends or family about my encounters and experiences with girls doesn’t ever come close to unleashing every shred of my raw emotion on a shitty Blogspot blog.