Thursday, January 30, 2014

Driving Lessons

Twelve hours of my life,
Could have been spent acquiring a wife,
Or learning a new instrument,
Rather than driving streets, so bent
This, I already know,
Yet I must an unqualified teacher show,
That I can operate a vehicle,
In a way that differs from the average, foolish people,
Yet these are the transgressions that I must serve,
Should I need them, or rightfully deserve,
But t'is not the question,
Should it be appropriate, or lacking direction,
I must conform,
And arduously perform,
In order to achieve a grade,
That will hopefully have a driver of me made,
It's the law said my father,
Be it to me a convienience, or be something to bother,
What I could be doing during this time boggles the mind,
More so than ever possible by the streets, lined.


Tuesday, January 28, 2014


My Father

My father is incredible. He is meticulous, generous, virtuous, caring, and has enough kindness to last a lifetime.  

5. Dezember 2009

Shooter Malaise

I have spent countless minutes, hours, days, and even weeks in virtual war. I know the drill -- grab your rifle, and by that, I mean your death ray that only simulates our puny real-world weaponry, with its illusionary sound effects and ejecting cartridges. Regardless, grab that rifle, and prepare to face one of the following outcomes: encounter an enemy, win or lose the firefight, snipe or be sniped by an enemy, hit the frontlines gung-ho to meet your death, or taste the sweet nectar of victory: there is relatively little variety shooters provide in terms of gameplay experiences.

Of course, that doesn't stop developers from adding in perceivably more 'content' than their competitors

5. Dezember 2009

Generation: Moron

My sister Jessica is quite possibly the most repulsive human being I have encountered throughout my 17 years of life. She never listens. Astoundingly, at 15 years of age, she cries to this day in order to get what she wants from mommy and daddy. She is utterly immature, and represents all that I detest, and rarely any qualities that I admire. 

Jessica has decided at an early age to cope with her misfortunes through incessant moaning and whining. How this would solve anything in a normal household, I know not. I mention 'household', as without our own, Jessica may have as well went on to carry out a normal life. Oh dear, did that not happen. 

Instead, Jessica went about living her life each day, pushing the boundaries of acceptability to the point where both my parents deem dealing with her is beyond possibility. But in my case, I've lived my life by both my mother and father's morals, happily doing the tasks asked of me, while proactively disciplining myself, and keeping my distance from irresponsibility, disregard, egotism, neglect, and becoming the stereotypical teenager whom is aptly familiar with messy rooms, sloppiness, beer, loud music, a short attention-span, (potentially) drugs, and a generally outrageous lifestyle.    

To my humble understanding, Jessica has always been the way she is today: self-serving, egotistical, selfish, materialistic, and highly superficial. Ever since age three, it may have been Jessica that had begun this never-ending battle of sibling rivalry that has been brewing for the duration of my adolescent life by a simple hit. 

Jessica was never afraid to say what she wanted or do what she wanted. Most speeches depict this quality as being a positive characteristic to have, but to the contrary, in this context, that could not be less true. 

By the age seven and five, (it's important to note that I'm older by two years), constantly, we would end up in some sort of yelling argument or even physical fight. In fighting, I would handily win. In yelling, her incessance would overwhelm me, as she would employ a diplomatic use of ignorance, blabbing the phrase, 'Shut up' over and over again. And in confrontation, with mother and father "involved", to Jessica's dismay, I would rightfully assume the benefit of the doubt.

This trustworthiness I developed came about to me through years of refinement. I would show my parents how Jessica would be lying by having them witness the given issue for themselves. This gave rise to my parents' regard of my sister as somewhat as an outsider; rarely selfless, with little positive contributions to family discussions, or even her conspicuous absence at family ocassions.  

I'm not exactly certain where to derive the unpleasant characteristics Jessica demonstates to this day, be it a Barbie-themed psyche (mindset) ripped straight from the 1990s, thrown in with a hefty mix of childish feminism, or a concoction created by none other than Jessica herself. 

Specifically, Jessica exemplifies a Machiavellian approach in life in that the means taken to achieve a given goal do not concern her to the slightest; but rather, whether or not in fact the objective is met. 

In past instances when I have been experiencing the slightest degree of enjoyment while in either Jessica's presence, or in the same car as her, she immediately retorted a rude and stolid response, forbidding me to enjoy whatever it was that was fixating me, or to keep quiet. (I think this might have been to prevent her ego from errupting) 

Jessica shows how little she cares for most other people, and her family in particular, as nearly every activity she has performed has in some way benefited herself. Take for example, service hours. Service hours were more or less the Catholic school equivalent to Juvenile Delinquency, yet in this case, unfortunately, everyone must partake. Sure, giving and helping others is a great concept. But when aiding another human being is compulsive, the incentive of the good feeling that only comes from helping someone with a full heart and open hands is sadly abused. 

Theoretically, Jessica completed her 20 required service hours with a smile on her face, and true sincerity in order to graduate eighth grade, but in reality with little genuine intention to help others in dire need. 

Considering Jessica's circumstance being brought up, with a royal mother, and a compulsive father, may have understandably influenced the person she has turned out to be today. 

My kingly father has stopped at nothing to please Jessica's worldly desires, and even now has still carried that tradition into Jessica's adolescent years.  By raising a child who is led to believe he or she can have whatever he or she may want by not only not working for it, not asking for it, not thanking for it, nor even remotely acknowledging the giver of the gift, that child will assume he or she bears an aristocratic position in society, and that most other people are "lesser", as they are the ones who are burdened with using words like "Please", or "Thank you".  

Although to be fair, the silver lining in Jessica's highly discriminant sense of kindness, she is what appears to be 'kind' to those whom she identifies as her "friends". Which brings an interesting point: whenever in a heated verbal battle, by the mere fact that I may not invite or play with friends as frequently as her, she inevitably claims 'No one likes you' to sweeten, or rather, bitter, as it were, the deal.

As my father claims, when in a verbal battle, if I were to not object to a challenge made by Jessica, such as "I'm a better driver", or 'I'm more intelligent', Jessica would use that as a quick self-esteem builder. But had I taken offense to the remark, commenting equally as rudely as Jessica's initial insult, an argument would duly arise. 

5. Dezember 2009

When the conversation stops


I am in a state of indifference. I don't know what I want. I am constantly rushing in order to spare myself leisure. My leisure is rarely satisfying any more. I am realizing I am increasingly in need of time intended for creative endeavors such as creating music, or writing, or expressing myself.

I am searching for what will satisfy me. Church? Nature? Deep relaxation? None. Only a thorough balance will suffice. During Mass, I am half asleep. What was my tranquil backyard is now inextricably filled with distant noises surely produced by nature-destroying machinery -- my hometown of Burr Ridge rarely ever seems to be sleeping as of late, which let me have you know, I immensely detest. I live in Burr Ridge, not New York City! To what extent will this pitiful urbanization of the world come to an end?! Imaginably the existing farms, mills, and food plants throughout the world will not be able to care for the world's gargantuan population come the next 20-40 years. I am fiercely disappointed by mankind's intense belief in capitalism -- which results in nature's suffering -- and little to mankind's concern, his demise. Relaxation in nigh impossible, as I will inevitably either fall asleep, or think of something to do.


My Conscience Tells Me to be robotic, and robust,
Strong and resilient, definitely a must,
To walk with confidence, grace and pure force,
My conscience inspired by films and media, of course,
It thinks in ideals, optimism, and discipline it does,
And is gratified by correctness and success, for that, it senses a buzz,
It detests sitting and staying still all day,
But loves speed and virtually any type of play,
It devises stories and possibilities in my head,
Then my logic kicks in, and has me forget whatever it was in my bed,
It has me flex my muscles, and hope to never be old,
But like any great story, there's a point when it's already been told.

B.F. Skinner

No Idea where I was going with this

Just like creating beautiful music, blues
I'm sick of these people, these brainless fools,
God knows where be their schools,
I cannot stand my teacher's depressed face,
His sad job, and skewed sense of grace,
He deals with his phone, and oafs too,
Week after week, we trudge through this poo,
This rubbish called driver's education I can't believe that this nation is that stupid,
So in love with arduously educating the already intelligent, surely the work of cupid,
I don't understand why I must suffer this time,
Being in this class


Easily one of the most hypocritical figures I've seen thus far,
Making the same 'mistakes', while driving a car,
Her egotism leads her to believe
That no one but her is as good as to perceive,
And that her skill is better than that of anyone other,
To the degree where she may think she is easily better than her brother,
But this is not true,
As her brother is the one works and works, until "will do!",
Jessica, on the other hand merely assumes her skill, and immediately denounces the merits of a competing individual,
But in defense, that forces me to act the same, as if a reciprocal,

I Enjoy Racing

I enjoy racing, the thrill of speed, and energy too,
The symphony of brakes, power, and of pit crew,
The serene moment that is prolnged for hours,
Sometimes, not often, that moment, it sours, 
As you come to a halt, or worse, crash, 
May you have the decency to shake 
hands and to not bash

[He who is responsible for the incident,
The past happening, call it an accident,]

But other than that, the sheer speed,
It surges down your back, as if a creed,
With might and magic to name a few
Of the characteristics that will happen to you,
As you come around a corner at 60 plus,
Hopefully faster than that of a bus,
Or otherwise you shall surely lose,
A blemish on a driver's record, and above all, a bruise,
It is a demoralizing event, 
After the speedy straights, and sharp corners, bent,
Sadly, as a result from the trial, effort, and terror,
Should it be the result of the driver's error,
7. November 2009

Stupid Thank You Notes

I Love the Freedom

I love the freedom of wearing shorts,
The act of being clothed, but at the same time, with nudity, in cohorts,
My legs, hairy and natural, allowed to breathe,
And by wearing shorts, they shall a healthy tan achieve,
They make me feel young, happy, and athletic,
Unlike how elderly and businessman-like I feel during the day, pathetic,
I am active, comfortable, and mobile,
Rather than tired, uncomfortable, and noble,
At this moment, I am not a political leader, nor a Mass attendee,
I don't see why those old ladies in the offices of life don't let me be me,
Let me wear shorts in winter, and happily freeze,
Rather than itching away, still cold, oh please, 
But no, it is a sinple matter of fact, That wearing shorts is an indecent act,
To leave one's body exposed,
Is sure to render the eyes of others immediately closed,
It is a shame, a disrespect to them,
Those cardigan-wearing pompous fools,
Who thrive on honor, pride, and pristine pools,
The ones that grant me strange looks in public places,
As I traipe with my short clothing, bearing no [condescention], nor imposing no faces,
I soon realize that it's not my shorts that they're after, but rather, _____(make this Comedic) 

6. November 2009

Assorted Writings


I May be Happy, serene, and above all else, clean,
But is it my duty to support you and to make you not mean?,
To wipe that sorrow from your face, 
And come pounding down like God's grace,
Only, financially aiding you for your rough times,
Although when you become successful, and make something out of yourself, remember to make my help is what evidently shines,
As I will not settle for white lies, no I won't,
This is my money I'm giving you, you outcast of ...

4. November 2009

A hobby that is

More frightening than it is exhilerating
Less accessible than it is possible,
Less as much fun than it is taxing,
Less as stimulating than it is arduous,
Less as safe than it is popular,
More risk, less reward,
Little speed, and much concern,
More expensive, but all the same,
Boring, or maybe even mundane,
What is there to do?
But in the sky so blue,
Stalls, landings and a sort of practice maneuver,
Maybe we could fly, far away to Vancouver,
Maybe then we would find why people fly,
Whizzing, zooming, may they yell 'bye'!
4. November 2009

One Year Later

One year later I am,
No closer or further from a girl,
One day closer to a driver's license,
Many hours closer to a pilot's license,
Equally confused as to why we inflict such pain on ourselves by attending Mass,
More philosophical, and worlds less as meandering,
Perceivably more content, knowing how to entertain myself, and my way around school now,
Prepared for the world,
Optimistic as ever,
Less talkative,
More blatant,
Aspirational as I was since a young age, 

4. November 2009

The Train

I detest the metallic scent,
I hate the air blowing, and the tracks, so bent,
I despise the PA system to the fullest extent,
Not to mention the remorse I feel when even those mere two dollars go spent.
The stopping and going is indeed a drag,
Imagining my jaded face sadly begin to sag,
I wish the train went to the suburbs, and not the ghettos in between,
But that would be nice, pleasant too, that would be heaven, be it serene,
I cannot think of a place that screams less excitement,
But then again, I can't think of a place that screams more taxes, bills, and indictment.
A more stolid, less organic and more uncomfortable place is nearly beyond my imagination's capacity,
What will I do? Be it from this day to nigh eternity?
From all the wacky and strange folks,
To obnoxious laughing and poor jokes,
From the meticulous elderly,
To the young, athletic and slenderly,
To the middle aged, the boring and disciplined,
From the IQ-depleting lore that goes on between two individuals every day,
To the fact that no one dares look at each other -- which appears to be the businessman's way,
And all the seemingly abandoned junkyards that have me say "Why oh, why!"
To all the exuberance exerted by children, thank God they don't cry,
How therapeutic they can be, 
That is, in contrast to the deeply dreary,
From the crossed legs, dressy socks, and leather shoes -- we must all suffer the train, be it now or when we so choose,
Riding the train is not an enjoyable experience,
Must we take by desire or force, may I say it requires but adherence.  

4. November 2009

Thriving on instant gratification

Constantly searching for new goals,
Seeking new ways to accomplish, and new ways to boast,
Full of herself and full of superficialities,
What life means to her is absurdities,
The world revolves around her,
And never ceases to consider even a blur,
Always moving, and always about she,
People may begin to wonder "hey, what about me?",
She is perfunctory in her effort, 
She assumes her intelligent, and all that is 

30. Oktober 2009


Urban dictionary is typically filled with dorm-dwelling college hipsters [SHOW DEMOGRAPHIC] who most likely have never tried the majority of Bose products. If you think Urban Dictionary is "trustworthy", [whatever the word denotes to you in your phantasy land] you need to get your head out of the clouds. Literally any aninmous person could create an account within minutes. Whereas (?) wait no!

I think music products are an area where your egotism leads you to believe you have some quantifiable degree of expertise. And because your ego is as large as it is, your opinion assumes the forefront of credibility in your mind, discounting anything I or anything anyone else says that may contradict it. So you unendingly argue, using various sources and methods in order to defy me, and impress yourself. 

I guess I'll continue to play along.

"The music and audio quality are also excellent."

And by the fact that this guy has not only tried Bose, but a few other brands, he is according to you Patrick, an expert: "I’ve tested a few headphones in my day and I’ve always gone back to Bose."

There's even a guy who recommends the QC15 Bose Noise-Cancelling earphones over an iPhone 3G.

Here, the majority of the users recommend Bose over your favorite Sennheiser brand.

Engadget, a trusted electronics site says, "Your nearest purveyor of audiophile equipment should have them already, and he should let you have a pair for $299."

If you wish to continue arguing, there's plenty more where that came from. 

26. Oktober 2009

Saint Ignatius Lesson

To accept conformity when necessary,
To not make being unique, but rather effective  and efficient my top priority,
And to be sensible in all areas of my life, no matter how average or otherwise common they be understood, 

20. Oktober 2009

Lifelong Gamer

As an osenstibly lifelong gamer, the essential interaction video games have boasted has proven not only rewarding, but also pacifying to an extent. As a preface, I restrict myself from playing video games (unless in the form of an iPhone App) during the week in order to stay focused and to not severely lose track of time. By this account, on any given day, I might find myself pining to play a video game, or even to merely press a button or navigate a menu.   

18. Oktober 2009

Lifestyles and Personalities

Lifestyles and personalities can both help and hurt us in our everyday lives. Assertive, reserved, and sincere qualities in one's personality have specific times and places  in which they may be useful 

16. Oktober 2009

A hopeless stringing of words

A hopeless stringing of words,
An expression, oh how profound,
I intend to express myself, as if to astound
The senses that is,
Of readers and children and all who lives,
To be an artist in my craft, and to perfect it is my goal,
Shall it happen, whom shall know?

My sister,
Arguing the function,
Of a word like because,
Be it shortened, or be it a conjunction,
Slang is a thing she loves,
Endlessly shortening words,
Condemning and twisting the truth,
And speaking turds,
Always washing and cleaning her tooth.
As if that were to solve the least of our problems,
One, being her vanity,

Not to mention her great insanity,
16. Oktober 2009

French Practice

Ma préfère voiture est la Bugatti Veyron. 
Ma préfère coleur est rouge. 
Ma préfère aquipe de football est Manchester United. 
Ma (first word) est 'car'
J'aime faire du footing, faire du (Fußball), et faire du velocity[?] 
Klar, ich liebe die Geschwindigkeit!
J'aime la classique, la jazz, le techno, et un peu de l'alternatif
Ma préfère mange est la soupe
Ma préfère brand de polo shirts est Lacoste  

14. Oktober 2009

To Dwell

It is that for which I have never heard,
It is a complex and all but archaic word,
I am unfamiliar with its origin, and God knows when I will be,



Always excited to grieve of the pain,
Be it clear, or be it all but the plain, 
Be it dissident, or be it the norm,
It has the world's treaties completely torn,
To mark the end, or be it shall a trend,
That is to protect or to fend, 
The commonground, the marketplace, every
Human in sight has the right  

9. Oktober 2009

Location: Deutsches Museum, München,

Location: Deutsches Museum, München, Deutschland
Date: June 5, 2009
Person Mentioned: First Name, Unknown, Last Name, Michael or Possibly Michel 

Today, I visited the Deutsches Museum, which featured a vast array of aircraft and various ship and locomotive motors. I had an excellent time, having my father and I discuss the intricate dynamics of flight, engine and war alike; making analogies like how little or great influence a rudder of an aircraft holds relative to its position and how that relates to the drastic and slight turning that occurs when either the front or rear wheels of a car serve as the turning mechanisms. But what was most fascinating was the discussion I took part in with a volunteer of the museum that my father and I stumbled upon. So when my father came across the high-speed single wing airplane that is spun around by a select few, and began to mention the "wire" of the plane, the volunteer emerged from the spiral staircase. An eccentric, disciplined German he was, the first notable words he spoke to us; "Are you from America? America is my favorite country". This blew me away. I have aspired to move to Germany for some time now, and when he mentioned that he wanted an American citizenship, I was incredulous. In my mind, I must have made up Germany to be a fantastical place where busy cities and clean air can live in harmony, and that was well evident by my experience of the past few days. But according to him, I had a few misperceptions. Then when I told him, after glancing at my father that I am totally the opposite, where I intend to emmigrate from the United States to Germany, he began to justify his opinion. As he did so, I began to realize how little of a concrete argument I have to support my moving to Germany other than sentimental, cultural, and European snobbery purposes. I also noticed that in general, his expressions communicated a sense of restriction, and mine inversely, too much freedom. He cited cases in which the Bundeswehr were inferior to the United States Marine Corps, such as the lack of Black Hawk support helicopters and various other transport helicopters and AC-130 gunships in the Bundeswehr, calling the German Army a "joke", all the while laughing superficially. Although not in agreement with him, I let him speak, which would result in him discrediting every possible sense of German ingenuity I had previously understood. 

Then I said, "What about rifles?", mentioning at first the G36's quality in comparison to the American-made M16. Incredibly, he said the G36 felt like a "toy", while acknowledging the M16 as a solid, reliable, and overall good rifle that dwarfs the G36 in terms of quality. Obviously this man's opinions were skewed, and he must never had spoken to anyone assertive enough that told him to think otherwise.  Wheras I was willing to objectively acknowledge the faults of German ingenuity, to him, American glory was irrefutable. Clearly, this man was set in his ways, and could not be reasoned with. But that didn't stop me from trying. I first cited the brand-new HK416 as a rifle surely deserving of at least some recognition. I could tell he knew it was a more reliable rifle than the American M16 and M4 models, but he soon changed the subject as if to avoid a submission in (verbal) defeat.     

Sunday Easter Mass

The priests succeeded in attracting a congregation comprised in part of individuals roused in secular interests, rather than spiritual, non-Church goers and people seemingly only capable of reciting the Our Father,
An admirable effort to escape their warm beds early in the morning at the very least, 
And the zealots remained, while one, by one, the seculars left in boredom,
The Act of Contrition was reverently heard by an ignorant audience 

who obviously takes a single hour of each year to dedicate it to Christ 

Written 01.10.09

This is Culture

Currently I sitting on a wooden bench,
In the midst of culture's quench,
I witness various cultures, which have come to converge,
But there is one aspect that has come to emerge,
And that aspect a change to society, an alteration, it may be called, 
The average child's intelligence is something because of it has stalled,
In our ears, and in front our faces,
Are we blind and are we deaf for there be no more spaces?
An age of technology, oh how it undeniable it be, 
And even this poem being typed with my iPod by me,
From the replacement of our culture to discussions being uprooted by the internet,
Is there no longer a way for people to be met?
No in fact, another dimension out there still exists,
It is called real life, oh what a twist,
It renders as our freedom from electricity and the hot fans and irritating bright screens,
All the magic lost, and all the charisma depleted,

Written 01.10.09

Now I'm leaving this European land

Now I'm leaving this European land so clean, and oh so great,
To return to the land that I've been claimed to hate,
The industry focused United States in which I was raised,
Has left me rather greatly in comparison, amazed,
Comparing that European land, so green and happy,
To our home, in which the urban sprawl has proven to be crappy,
Adulterating, restraining and restricting too, it's rather astounding what the United States will do,
Whereas in Germany, that great big green nation where nature is allowed to live, and cities are contained in a tight location too,
Money, money, money is that all for what Americans care?
Sure I could be criticized for my stance, but for the sake of a tree, that is a criticism I'd be willing to bear,
High fuel prices and vehicle size is a sound law and safe side,
In the favor of nature and for all that we have made it hide,
For the paved grasses, for the torn down trees, and for all the abundant habitats that never have ceased to please,
This is a petition and this is my hope, that no matter by what means, nature may cope,
By our horrible mark, and our terrible work, this by no means can be considered a perk,
Have pity for this great green and blue earth, 
After all, for all of us, it has been the site of our birth.  

To the Schwermans

I am profoundly grateful for your unparalled hospitality and openness last month. It was simply a magnificent experience to work at Greg's shop, fire the numerous rifles and light and sub machine guns, and to share countless great moments of laughter and joy with not only your family, but also with Greg and Ron.

Work certainly was painstaking at the shop, but I am confident the time I spent working has taught me countless lessons. One of which in particular is to never give up to always be adherent. I can remember working on some of the slimiest, most rusty, and stubborn delinkers, and trying to find tools throughout the shop in order to complete the task of dissasembling them. This lesson has proved so valuable that it is even applicable to my day-day life at school. I now know, through everyone's help, that any given problem in life doesn't need hard work and fierce determination alone, but also, its own tool.

Carl -- I admire your straightforward nature of thinking, and your optimism although being recently laid off by (Southwest?). You are the sort of man that keeps this country in order. Thank you.

Erik -- I had a great deal of fun playing video games and talking to you overall. I can recall what it was to be your earnest and ambitious age. When you get to high school, please promise me to know when to turn off the Xbox 360, although you may be "almost on the last level". Always remember to keep your priorities in check. And believe me, your listening to a hard-core gamer that has had his Xbox thrown because of poor grades. Maybe do like I do when you get to that point: play games only during the weekend. This keeps you focused during the week for both school and sport, plus, you won't melt you eyes out!

Greg -- You were a very charismatic person to deal with. You were always interested to talk about not only yourself, but also ask questions about me. You answered any and all questions I may have had, and bought me lunch each day. I can't thank you enough for your superb generosity and tremendous kindness to let someone like me, without any mechanic experience whatsoever, attempt to combat your enormous pile of work [without ruining it]. I may not have contributed a significant dent in it your pile of work, but you made me feel accomplished, and like a member of the team, rather than a mere sidekick.

Written 27.09.09

Monday, January 20, 2014

Media Perpetuation of Love

There's just about nothing else I can think of apart from finding a girlfriend; my friends and family ask me questions like, "do you have a girlfriend yet?" or "did you get lucky yet?" to which I obviously respond "no."

The problem is that the media (primarily film and music, which I consume the most of) idealize what it is like to have a relationship and leave no other possibility nor alternative lifestyle -- and most of all, make those who have no relationship look sad or depraved.

Yes, one-to-one, intimate relationships that have the potential of growing, that are centered neither primarily around sex nor conversation, but rather, an equal and healthy balance of the two are brilliant (I'm just guessing). But is there really only one, singular route to happiness like human companionship?

If the adage, "The meaning of life is love" is true, then yes, probably. And if I want happiness (or in this sense, love), how do I get it without searching for it? I have been told by multiple friends "love will find you." But I hardly believe that. After 21 years on this planet, it seems love has skipped over me and went with all my friends and those around me. Maybe that means the one girl I do find will be exceptionally good because I've had to suffer this long?

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Well and Truly Lovesick

There's not a particular girl I have my eye on at the moment, but a couple. I don't lust or imagine myself with one or another especially, but rather, madly in love with the idea of having a girlfriend at all.

I'm sad to report I've never had a proper girlfriend, nor a girlfriend of any sort at all before. I have had, however, a friend who was a girl who asked me regularly to hang out with her while she still had a boyfriend. But it seems that relationship, whatever it was, is now long gone.

The ability to share every detail of my life and experiences with a single member of the opposite sex, while being able to continue to share new and better experiences with said person sounds positively fantastic. It's like a best friend who can love you in ways not possible before. Or so my [perhaps delusional] fantasy leads me to believe.

Truth be told, I've been enveloping myself in loads of female-intended media (and honestly, rather enjoying it) in order to hopefully better understand what women seek in men. I've found Woody Allen films remarkably enjoyable.

And likely because this media is now surrounding my life, my eyes, my ears and my mind, there's little else I can think of. I call this condition "lovesick" because it closely resembles a mental condition.

Of course, I have been in love many times before, but I've never executed on those desires. And I have even told a girl I liked her before, but that ended, let's just say not well.

Now though, whenever I imagine about doing sports, activities, eating at restaurants, or what have you, I see almost no point with doing them with either someone of my same sex or someone with whom I have no intimate interest in. It's as if I'm saving them (and also myself) for that special someone.

Perhaps that special someone is right in front of me, is one of the few girls I'm talking to at the moment, or have not, or will never meet her. How can I possibly know?