Monday, May 26, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 22: Tinder

The latest online dating app, Tinder, has caught my attention after hearing friends talk about it. 

I thought, "Hey, I've been single all my life and have wanted a girlfriend all that time, so what's there to lose? Also, I can use this app as a litmus test as to if or what kind of girls are attracted to me." Well, of course, I didn't quite say all of that, but I thought it. 

It all then started among a friend of mine and I, not too keen on taking the dating app seriously. We held a contest wherein we would see who could get the most amount of matches (possible by having the most attractive profile, profile picture and liking every girl who is suggested to you). 

Before that, however, when I was testing the app in earnest to see how it works, I liked the girls I actually found attractive and disliking the ones I didn't. But nothing. I guess the girls I find attractive all have one feature in common, which would be their "Hochnäsigkeit," or their inflated self-worth/esteem. Unattainable, confident girls are in my book attractive girls. Girls who come to me are no longer attractive. That's just the way my mind works. 

And the least attainable girls are by far blonde ones, for their self-esteem is so high, that should some lowly man as myself try to talk to them, it will result in at first eye-rolling and then cat-walk strutting out of the vicinity with her possé at her sides. Acknowledging my existence shows she likes me and might give me the impression I should talk to her, but no blonde wants me to talk to her. 

At a club this weekend, I approached a non-blonde (Egad!), pulled my initial move of asking a stupid foreigner question, revealing my American identity, impressing her with my German skills and carrying the small-talk on from there. The rhythm's become so routine, I do it now without a second thought. 

Into our deep conversation (or as deep as a conversation can be on the dancefloor at an electro club), I said to myself "Fuck it, I can tell (like all German girls, these are no exception) these girls are stuck up and I don't stand a chance because I act myself." In Germany, being unique, remarkable, unusual, exotic or otherwise is romantic suicide. You must be as boring and as perfect as possible in order to swoon the hearts of Gernan girls. So given I no longer cared what this girl thought of me, I asked her, "Why do girls dance in circles like this? For guys to come to you?" She said, "It depends." I interjected, "It depends (referring to myself) if the guys are foreign, funny, goofy, unique, or "Asozial"? She laughed and I was clearly doing well on the battlefield we call courtship (yeah right). But her friends (surprised), in typical German hochnäsig fashion, did not approve of me and never would. So those gifts of God cat-walked out of the club, for reasons unknown. Whatever, used to it. Not disappointed with such low expectations after all. 

It seems Tinder was made for Germany, a place where the girls appear to hate to be flirted with and the guys are too shy to do so. 

And after I can see I get nothing but unattractive girls liking me, I can see blonde girls' expectations are astronomically high for their suitors. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 21

An ugly girl who always smiles is better than a pretty one who never does.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 20: Friend Zone

There are times when girls like me. Yet I don't like them or find them attractive or I don't make a move to get with them or what have you. These girls then assume I've friend zoned them and completely seize to talk with me. Or, perhaps my method to get a girl (all of which have been unsuccessful, no less) are so different (because they don't work) that the girl has no idea if I like her or not. 

This is part-and-parcel of me being a conservative courtier, because I want to be gentlemanly in everything I do. 

Loser Love Diaries 19

For more conservative guys (perhaps like myself) it's always a tricky balance because you want a girl who will make it clear to you as soon as possible that she is interested in you. Yet, on the other side of the coin, the girl is afraid of embarrassing herself by showing too much emotion early on, only to be denied, leaving her ultimately damaged. 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 18

I feel a cold sensation toward the opposite sex. Not when it comes to socializing or talking, but rather, when it comes to flirting. I just have so little faith anymore there is someone truly "out there for me." It's such a pipe dream echoed throughout the media that maintains that this fallacy is anything but. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that there is more than likely no one for me, girls do not and never will find me attractive, and that I never will have any opportunity ever to find someone. 

I also can't help that I could very happily live for the rest of my life single, virgin and unmarried if this petty thing called "biology" didn't make men feel useless without a mate. 

Friday, May 2, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 17: You Know when you're a Bitch when...

Some time ago, I met a girl on the way to the post office.

After the chain of events that followed our encounter (namely, being stood up three times), I wrote the above article.

The girl (bitch) read what I wrote and sent me the following after I said to her:

  • Michael Lenoch

    Hey ich weiß, dass wir nicht für ein Monat oder so gesprochen haben und dass du höchstwahrscheinlich nicht antworten wirst (und du musst nicht), aber ich wollte dir halt entschuldigung sagen ob ich irgendwie gemein oder unhöflich mit dir war. Tschüß.
  • Carlotta Arnold

    Hey, tut mir Leid, dass ich dir einfach nicht mehr geschrieben habe, aber um dir dies in Zukunft zu ersparen : du solltest vielleicht nicht über Mädchen, die du kennenlernst, auf deinem Onlineblog schreiben, sodass die ganze Öffentlichkeit es lesen kann!
    Machs gut
  • Michael Lenoch
    Michael Lenoch
    Alles klar. Meine schuld. Ich stelle mir vor, dass du nichts mit mir mehr zu tun möchtest dann.
  • 16. März
  • Michael Lenoch
    Michael Lenoch
    Whatever... No matter what I say will change anything. Just know I'm sorry.

You can throw that into your old Google Translate to see what unfolded.

And you know what? I don't care I'm publishing her name, because I said N-O-T-H-I-N-G bad to or about her ever, anytime, anywhere -- in that blog listen or elsewhere. What she got angry about, I sincerely don't know.

And Carlotta, if you're wondering why you don't have a boyfriend based on your desperate cries out for a great man to just suddenly fall out of the sky onto your lap on Facebook, you just let a great one go. I hope you're happy, because I am sure am that I found out you are a bitch before I ever had the misfortune of spending more time with you.

Just had to get that out of my system and bucket list.