While on the hunt for a post-midnight snack, I stumbled upon a collection of my sister's hipstery Siggi's Vanilla Yogurt.
"Hmm," I thought to myself, "can't be that bad." So I went ahead and tried what appeared the be a wonderful vanilla bean-laced custard and while not so great at first, I gave it a second, a third and then a fourth try... And you know what? The flavor only got better and better.
Halfway into my 2:00 AM indulgence, I was even further intrigued, not by the dairy product, but rather by Siggi's apparent environmental conscience, something of an anomaly for yogurts––which are typically the brainchildren of evil big dairy. Oooooooh, menacing.
Where were we? Ah yes, Siggi's penchant for trees. Yes. On the packaging of Mr. Sig's dessert, it says:
Being the far-too-curious-for-his-own-good individual that I am, I just had to read the Sigster's story.
So I did.
It is as follows:
In short, old man Siggi was none too pleased with the garbage, unrefined yogurt Americans scarf down by the truckload. He found the stuff far too sweet.
Additionally, his––not yogurt, you damn fool!––but "skyr" (pronounced "skeer," Siggi tells me) harkens back to a centuries-old Icelandic tradition from, you guessed it, his homeland of Iceland.
Unlike the high-fructose corn syruped, hormone-injected, artificially-colored gruel us condemnable Americans shove down our throats, Siggi's brand requires far more milk than Chobanplait, namely four times as much.
Plus, ol' Sig employs only the happiest farmers. Not the Confederate flag-waiving types who consider cow-tipping a hobby or enjoy long walks on the beach... accompanied by occasionally branding their cattle... for fun, of course.
But instead Siggi requires his farmers to embark on a rigorous 14-point exam which will only give your farm the go-ahead should it include rainbows at least five times a week, an all-inclusive cow getaway, spas, masseuses and bingo night. Pundits have labeled Siggi's revolutionary new idea as "fat camp for cows."
I wish I were kidding.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
Goldilocks' Ego
Indeed, these "superior" beings care only to speak of themselves, improve their beauty and social status in superficial and inconsequential ways and publicly display themselves using as many avenues as humanly possible.
The whole reason for dying one's hair blonde, after all, is to gain the attention of the opposite sex as most men desire blondes over all other types of women. So it is the fake blondes who can be cited as the root of this pretension I so despise.
The vicious cycle at no point halts with men ever more deeply gazing at the golden passers by in public and conversely, the recipients of such gawking, in turn, receiving such generous boosts of self-esteem, an endorphin surge that only encourages the behavior to dye one's hair blonde, blonder and still blonder... Until there is no more hair to be dyed for it has been duly dyed to the point of dehydration.
Certainly, it must be noted (for I would otherwise misrepresent this social phenomenon), that far from every dyed blonde partakes in such behavior. Rather, it is the blondes who explicitly dye their hair for the crutch it will serve as the vehicle to further attention, attraction and ultimately—what virtually every woman seeks—love.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
How to Not Get Rid of Acne
If you are reading this, chances are that you have been searching high and low for the solution to the common infection of the skin, otherwise known as acne.
Well, I have some bad news: I don't know how to "cure" acne.
On the other hand, I can save you otherwise wasted time, money, energy, effort and stress by telling you (ask me how I know) by letting what methods are certain not to work.
1.) Baking soda and toothpaste overnight face mask: doing this is not only terrible for your skin, but dries it to a corpse-like brittleness as well. In addition, you wake up to an awful, concrete goop that takes at least 15 minutes to fully remove.
Finally, the paste never quite meshes properly and you will end up wasting expensive (and valuable) toothpaste in the long run by attempting this foolish tactic.
2.) Straight Salicylic acid to your face: Do not, by any means, apply 20% Salicylic acid to your face (as I did). May I remind you Salicylic acid is the same remedy for foot warts... In other words, thick, tough skin and not for your soft, delicate face.
Some sites in fact recommend this method—the results are far from brilliant. I not only encountered a painful and enduring burning sensation, but sections of my face reflected this idiotic solution with a garish and grotesque red irritation.
Despite all the suffering, after my skin finally healed, it paved the way to fresh, healthy and pimple-free skin! Hallelujah!
So you're probably asking yourself "So, why don't I just use Salicylic acid then?" Well if you're fine with putting up with the appearance of a zombie for a week or longer only to find that your clear skin lasts for all of two days, be my guest!
The issue appears, is that my type of acne is low, deep and therefore not easily accessible using traditional means. As a result, the hidden acne easily returned as the Salicylic acid merely burned off the top layering skin of my forehead.
Very anticlimactic if you ask me. I had thought for the two or so days that I had finally cured my affliction. But underwhelmingly, it was just waiting there for me the whole time... In spite of my will, dedication and spirit to withstand the burning feeling Salicylic acid brings with it.
So if you can plan out the burning, recovery and acne-free stages just right for your upcoming wedding, concert or formal event of choice, be sure to lock yourself in your house for a good week or so, certain to not provoke spontaneous vomiting from onlookers in public.
3.) Skin soaps: though the most sensible, conventional and widely-accepted technique in modern culture, I have not yet found any (store bought) skin soap capable of doing the trick. Even from varying brands and amount of Salicylic acid (I realize I just noted how harmful Salicylic acid is, but the tiny amount of it contained in soaps is perfectly safe), nothing has been quite capable of taking these wretched, tiny bumps from my face.
Worth noting is that I still have yet to try ProActiv or receive a consultation from a professional dermatologist. Both I have avoided due to higher costs.
Though, as is apparent, home remedies for acne do not work and hopefully with the money you have saved (thanks to my own stupidity) by avoiding these methods, hopefully you can afford to consult with a professional dermatologist yourself.
Well, I have some bad news: I don't know how to "cure" acne.
On the other hand, I can save you otherwise wasted time, money, energy, effort and stress by telling you (ask me how I know) by letting what methods are certain not to work.
1.) Baking soda and toothpaste overnight face mask: doing this is not only terrible for your skin, but dries it to a corpse-like brittleness as well. In addition, you wake up to an awful, concrete goop that takes at least 15 minutes to fully remove.
Finally, the paste never quite meshes properly and you will end up wasting expensive (and valuable) toothpaste in the long run by attempting this foolish tactic.
2.) Straight Salicylic acid to your face: Do not, by any means, apply 20% Salicylic acid to your face (as I did). May I remind you Salicylic acid is the same remedy for foot warts... In other words, thick, tough skin and not for your soft, delicate face.
Some sites in fact recommend this method—the results are far from brilliant. I not only encountered a painful and enduring burning sensation, but sections of my face reflected this idiotic solution with a garish and grotesque red irritation.
Despite all the suffering, after my skin finally healed, it paved the way to fresh, healthy and pimple-free skin! Hallelujah!
So you're probably asking yourself "So, why don't I just use Salicylic acid then?" Well if you're fine with putting up with the appearance of a zombie for a week or longer only to find that your clear skin lasts for all of two days, be my guest!
The issue appears, is that my type of acne is low, deep and therefore not easily accessible using traditional means. As a result, the hidden acne easily returned as the Salicylic acid merely burned off the top layering skin of my forehead.
Very anticlimactic if you ask me. I had thought for the two or so days that I had finally cured my affliction. But underwhelmingly, it was just waiting there for me the whole time... In spite of my will, dedication and spirit to withstand the burning feeling Salicylic acid brings with it.
So if you can plan out the burning, recovery and acne-free stages just right for your upcoming wedding, concert or formal event of choice, be sure to lock yourself in your house for a good week or so, certain to not provoke spontaneous vomiting from onlookers in public.
3.) Skin soaps: though the most sensible, conventional and widely-accepted technique in modern culture, I have not yet found any (store bought) skin soap capable of doing the trick. Even from varying brands and amount of Salicylic acid (I realize I just noted how harmful Salicylic acid is, but the tiny amount of it contained in soaps is perfectly safe), nothing has been quite capable of taking these wretched, tiny bumps from my face.
Worth noting is that I still have yet to try ProActiv or receive a consultation from a professional dermatologist. Both I have avoided due to higher costs.
Though, as is apparent, home remedies for acne do not work and hopefully with the money you have saved (thanks to my own stupidity) by avoiding these methods, hopefully you can afford to consult with a professional dermatologist yourself.
Friday, January 9, 2015
How to be Popular on Social Media
Whether it's lying your ass off for that next interview on LinkedIn, or even something more important like gaining prestige in the world of Instagram, here are some useful tips to keep in mind:
1. Be happy. All the time.
Studies show that people are attracted to smiling faces, and even more so actually happy people behind those smiling faces. Which is not to be confused with people who simply smile for photographs and are actually quite miserable people in the real world.
2. Have multiple people in your pictures. All the time.
Have other people [hopefully] smiling in said pictures, showing their appreciation for actually being able to surround themselves around you.
3. Never make negative comments. At all.
I don't care how awful your Aunt Jenny looks in that dress or how your sister, well, yes, actually does look fat in that dress. Don't say it.
Don't comment on political links, images or otherwise propaganda. When election season comes around, don't make it clear to anyone which candidate you will be voting for. In fact, don't even make it apparent you are a legal voter, because on social media, only bad can come about.
Political fighting is only spurred on by people who don't know anything about politics, which according to a recent study, 99 percent of social media users are politically illiterate. That means, no matter which fight you pick will end badly. For everyone. That includes your overweight sister.
4. Don't comment about race. (If you're white.)
For every one else (that includes blacks, Asians, Latinos, Pacific Islanders, Swahilis and so on), you can say any imaginable thing that comes to race. Hell, you can rip on any race you want to your heart's content. But, if you're white, you're immediately born without the right to comment on race.
Even if you're not racist, even if you're not a white supremacist, even though you think the Ku Klux Klan is an asinine institution that gives whites a bad name everywhere and even though you simply wish to discuss racial issues for the betterment of American society, you're inherently a racist. No matter what you do. Or at least, it will be perceived that way.
5. Like everything.
In a recent study that I just made up, people love it when you like their content on social media. They feel flattered, they're paid attention, they feel loved. People will then begin to like your content in return.
How do I know all of this?
Well, I know all of this because I follow none of these rules (except #4). I am honest, uncompromising and above all, fall under the category of "not-a-bullshitter" (as *cough* many *cough* LinkedIn *cough* users *cough* are *cough*, man this NyQuil's not working tonight!).
I only like things I actually like because otherwise, liking everything everyone posts could be perceived as fake. Hmm, ya think? In addition, doing so could only guilt-trip your social media friends and followers to like your content in return.
I find the atmosphere on LinkedIn is a disguising one. People manipulate their real-world, natural personalities and say excessively flattering comments at an overwhelming rate so as to please the corporate powers that be.
How fake can you get?
Be a real human being. Not a corporate, cardboard cut-out. Be likable. If you really are likable. Don't be a corporate whore, seeking that extra dollar.
Yes, I want a nice job, but do I really have to be someone I'm not to get it? In the same way, do I have to lie to the girl of my dreams that I'm someone I'm not to get her?
Hopefully, in both scenarios, you answered "no" and throughout this exercise you recognized the awful superficiality that goes into social media.
How to be a Professional and not a Professional Douchebag
Recently, I was offered a writing gig as a result of a 2,100-word blog post I published that netted hundreds of views during its first day (which, may not sound like a whole lot to you, but as an overwhelmed college student running a blog alone on the side, dedicated to an interest really no one cares about [cars], it is a big deal, thank you very much).
Cool, right?
Cool, right?
Yes, that would have been cool. That is, if the car shop that offered me a position to help start their blog acted in a professional manner.
If you ever happen to offer a starving college kid a position, keep these tips in mind:
1. Be concrete.
Upon hearing about the offer, the shop owner was just as clueless as I was -- despite he being the one who contacted me in the first place, notifying me of the position.
It was up to me to guide him as to what would best portray the shop in the best light. I suggested, the shop's site to emulate well-established motorsport blogs likeSpeedHunters.com or internationally-recognized Lake Zurich motorsport shop, IND's site. He agreed and wanted to make the focus of the site dedicated to the latest car builds the shop puts out.
This didn't fill me with all that much confidence. If the shop owner doesn't have all that much clue as to what he's doing, why do I want to work for him? But, because I obviously have thousands of other job offers in this spectacular economy just clamoring for my services, I saw it through.
2. Be reachable.
For the whole month and three days I was strung along, at no point could I ever 1) get a straight answer as to when I would begin writing or 2) contact the faithful owner over the phone, even though I gave out my phone number (that he promised he would call) and I made several attempts at calling him myself.
"Valued employee" doesn't exactly spring to mind, now does it?
The motorsport shop owner would regularly make excuses as to why he would not answer my phone calls or why he could not call me. A few being, "Sorry it's hectic here since we just got back from SEMA I don't know where my head is," "hey buddy, sorry I missed your call. Hit me up when you get a chance," or "Hey man I'm beyond sorry, I didn't get out of the shop until midnight last night and have been working on my dad's semis all morning with the cold weather the fuel is turning into gel."
That's fine. No one wants diesel fuel jelly. Because that sounds gross. But for three days, it was completely impossible to reach him over the phone.
3. Be real.
If you offer someone a position, be able to back it up. Today. Don't just talk the talk, have a real position, for a real company in mind for a real human being who really wants to work for you. Again, today.
The reason I didn't demand real details on the position any sooner (see: today) was because I couldn't start for a Chicagoland-based shop with me studying in Milwaukee. And that's fine.
But Christmas break was the only time I could dedicate to launching the blog as I am headed back north, come January. But as break approached, I tried to make it abundantly clear that I had little to no time other than during the festive time off.
But it made no difference. I was ever-left in the cold and my important questions, ever-ignored. So I had it. I demanded answers.
I asked straight-up, "Do you want my help or is this just a joke?" To which, his massive ego got offended: "If you think it's a joke that's completely fine I'll look around honestly no big deal."
Again, "valued employee," much? I think not.
I argue writers can be some of the most invaluable people a company has. They are the voice of the company, they interact with customers and have the power to make a turd look like a gem. Which, is exactly what some companies might be producing and it's up to its writers and creative minds to provide the company with that creative edge.
If you don't care for my blatant honesty, unnamed Chicagoland motorsports car shop, then so be it. Have fun settling for a middle-of-the-road, bland, unexciting "writer" without any real-world experience, who probably flunked 7th grade English.
Good writers are hard to come by and without getting ahead of myself by casting myself into this exclusive group, if you recognized my writing and sought to recruit me, then my writing can't be so bad, can it?
Don't jerk college kids around. Because they are some of the most ambitious, most motivated people there are. They are desperate and will work their asses off just to make names for themselves. And in a worst-case-scenario, they might even write a nasty blog post about you!
Give them concrete details, be able to be reached and be a real human being, don't dodge questions, but instead, have a real offer on the table if you come knocking on my door.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Loser Love Diaries 30
As of yesterday morning I have finally vanquished my virginity.
After it happened, I sensed a great deal of tranquility take me over; no more hunting more a mate, no more lonely toiling.
If I wanted to, I could have accomplished this feat long ago with 21 years of age. But I believe in something called integrity.
I told myself if I was going to do it, then I was going to do it with someone I love and not for purely physical reasons. I was going to wait long enough until I felt comfortable with her and Goddammit, it was going to be romantic, not slutty.
Given I was raised using fear tactics of rape instead of images of love-making, each gradual stripping of clothing was allowed only by a constant asking, "May I do this...?" She never told me to touch her anywhere, but she never said "no" either.
The experience as a whole was saved in part due to how I like her as a person and the constant kissing, which reminded me the proper meaning of sex. In truth, it wasn't as enjoyable for me as it was my partner, likely due to the condom.
After it all, we took a shower and later a bath together while listening to jazz. That was magical.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Loser Love Diaries 28: the Huffington Post says I done good!
Just yesterday, I wrote about the things I thought I did right and wrong. Very ironically, this article from the Huffington Post, mirrors just about everything I did on the date.
Let's take the tips the 'Post recommends one-for-one and compare what I did.
"1. If you meet a woman and you go out on a date and had a decent time, call her and ask her out again." Check.
"2. Ask a woman at least three questions about herself. " Duh. It's not snobbish of me to say I'm a rather good conversationalist because I rarely talk about myself unless asked. I probably asked her 20 questions about herself! (Although, maybe at a certain point, it's a bit much... [Oh, who am I kidding, I always doubt myself! Well, that comes with having so little success with women, I'm always trying to pinpoint what ingredient of the recipe is missing!])
"3. If your best friend is a single woman, you will need to explain that dynamic at some point." For better or for worse, that never came up in the conversation.
"4. If you have ever been married or are still married by law, that's important information to share. On date #1." I'm a 21-year-old single guy. Always have been. Oh, not the 21 part, but the part about being single. Not really something to worry about...
"5. Pay for the first date." This was even in my list of things I did right.
"6. Don't shovel food in your mouth." We didn't eat, but given I was raised by a fine woman, I really doubt this is something of concern for me.
"7. Smile. Laugh. Smile more." I smile, laugh and smile more when I am with people all the time. I enjoy peoples' company, indiscriminant if I want to be their friend or something more. In fact, the one I was with turned red on multiple occasions.
"8. If you have more than one cat, you may want to save that nugget until date #7." Never had a cat. Don't plan on getting one.
"9. If you're super-close with your mom and sisters, that's sweet and most women will find that sensitive and endearing." Perhaps forgot to mention that I take after my mother more than anyone else, but as I mentioned earlier, I prefer to talk about the person with whom I am talking to keep conversation flowing and it was also not pertinent to the conversation we were having. So that's a "no."
"10. Again, men, CALL HER." HELLO? I did, bitch. If you never want anything to do with me ever again during your entire life on this planet, why give me your number, walk me to my door and laugh, smile and turn red so when you were with me so much? Just trying to be nice? That's a bit too nice and clearly, mislead me into thinking you liked me.
Don't play with guys' hearts. Especially desperate (and as I've been told, sweet, good-looking [not my opinions, so don't get angry at me]) guys like me who really mean everything they say and do. Oh, and important side note, never had anyone ever significant in his love life.
Get it?!
Let's take the tips the 'Post recommends one-for-one and compare what I did.
"1. If you meet a woman and you go out on a date and had a decent time, call her and ask her out again." Check.
"2. Ask a woman at least three questions about herself. " Duh. It's not snobbish of me to say I'm a rather good conversationalist because I rarely talk about myself unless asked. I probably asked her 20 questions about herself! (Although, maybe at a certain point, it's a bit much... [Oh, who am I kidding, I always doubt myself! Well, that comes with having so little success with women, I'm always trying to pinpoint what ingredient of the recipe is missing!])
"3. If your best friend is a single woman, you will need to explain that dynamic at some point." For better or for worse, that never came up in the conversation.
"4. If you have ever been married or are still married by law, that's important information to share. On date #1." I'm a 21-year-old single guy. Always have been. Oh, not the 21 part, but the part about being single. Not really something to worry about...
"5. Pay for the first date." This was even in my list of things I did right.
"6. Don't shovel food in your mouth." We didn't eat, but given I was raised by a fine woman, I really doubt this is something of concern for me.
"7. Smile. Laugh. Smile more." I smile, laugh and smile more when I am with people all the time. I enjoy peoples' company, indiscriminant if I want to be their friend or something more. In fact, the one I was with turned red on multiple occasions.
"8. If you have more than one cat, you may want to save that nugget until date #7." Never had a cat. Don't plan on getting one.
"9. If you're super-close with your mom and sisters, that's sweet and most women will find that sensitive and endearing." Perhaps forgot to mention that I take after my mother more than anyone else, but as I mentioned earlier, I prefer to talk about the person with whom I am talking to keep conversation flowing and it was also not pertinent to the conversation we were having. So that's a "no."
"10. Again, men, CALL HER." HELLO? I did, bitch. If you never want anything to do with me ever again during your entire life on this planet, why give me your number, walk me to my door and laugh, smile and turn red so when you were with me so much? Just trying to be nice? That's a bit too nice and clearly, mislead me into thinking you liked me.
Don't play with guys' hearts. Especially desperate (and as I've been told, sweet, good-looking [not my opinions, so don't get angry at me]) guys like me who really mean everything they say and do. Oh, and important side note, never had anyone ever significant in his love life.
Get it?!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Loser Love Diaries 27: How to Date German Girls (What I think I've learned)
So, after this girl has not responded to me for what has to have been a little less than 36 hours (but who's counting? [sigh]), it's more than likely she never wants to ever see me again. And that's fair. I can barely count the number of girls who have felt this way about me. But what I say to that is that these girls have misunderstood me, never bothered to try to understand me or made false assumptions about me.
In the past, I've thought revealing that I'm a virgin early on may alleviate some problems (I thought girls were paranoid of men who want sex), but no. It only serves to make you look needy and creepy. Surprise. But how was I to know?
Now, let me review the mistakes I made on the coffee date:
1: Talking too quickly
I was genuinely nervous to meet this girl, because this was the first time I had ever talked to a girl online before meeting her in person (usually the girl should feel this way, not the guy, I digress). My nervousness was easy to identify by the speed at which I spoke, the frequency at which I went to the bathroom (thrice, to be exact) and how uncomfortable I appeared with dead air, as I constantly was moving on to new topics, even if they were trivial.
Today at my university, there was a tour day for high schoolers and I noticed there were some awfully attractive girls with some otherwise rather nerdy looking guys. I think what German girls look for subtly attractive guys, who are quiet, nonchalant, non-flashy, occasionally funny and not easily impressed or excitable. To me, that's the essence of boring. I cannot, nor want to ever be that way. So if the blonde German girls I so [shamefully] lust after seek something like that, they can forget about me providing such stoicalness.
There is almost certainly this notion that the above mentioned personality traits are what constitute "manliness" in Germany. In America, it is rather different; a more exaggerated idea of strength, willingness to fight spontaneously, stand for what one believes in to any end, dress with little regard and to center one's life solely around sports and little else.
2: Showing my pink iPhone
My life is a joke. Life is not meant to be taken seriously. Actually, nothing is to be taken seriously. It is all what we make of it. I got a pink iPhone because I think it's hilarious and I enjoy seeing peoples' reactions when they see a man wielding it. Yet, given this girl's values are more on the conservative, (BORING) German (ALSO BORING) side, a funny man who does not take himself seriously (contrary to all the dating guides I've ever read, which I mean, they should all be right, or am I missing something?) is not something she is looking for.
3: "Lying"
OK. Important clarification. I am one of the most honest people in the known world. I do not kid myself, I poke fun at myself and hell, read my other Loser Love Diaries to see how incredibly honest and open I am with my readers (anyone on the internet who can type in Flammblog.blogspot.com)!
Yet, a girl I barely know, and one, who in turn barely knows me is not so likely to believe that when she already thinks I'm a liar. You see, (as I alluded to in an earlier post), I made my Tinder account say I am actually 26 to see if my chances of getting in touch with a girl were any higher. But because I am so honest, I told her I am actually 21. Why is that such a big deal when she is 23...? Leave it up to women to make mountains out of molehills.
It's very German of me to only look on the bad side of things, but let me reflect on what I actually, incredibly, did well during the date:
1: Kept conversation flowing
Yes, there is a balance to keep when talking to girls, however, I would argue that talking too much rather than too little is preferable. It keeps the girl engaged and if anything, entertained.
2: Complimented her
Right after we sat down at the cafe, I complimented her, telling her she is much prettier in person than in the pictures, to which she turned red.
3: Paid
It's a sign of a good man when he pays, without even hinting at the possibility of the girl paying. Smartly, I also asked her if she wanted something else as I ordered a water after my coffee. While looking at her, I paid and thanked her for the invitation. Classy. Or so I think.
4: Went in for the kill
OK, not really. I didn't pull a Brazilian (kiss on the first encounter), however, I did have the cajones enough to ask for her number. I did it with a straight face and she obliged. What I wonder most of all, however, is what was running through her mind as I asked her. Because that's after all what I am still contemplating. Why would you give a guy your number if you have no intention of ever seeing him again? To let him down easy? To tease him?
Bonus round: one thing she did that confuses me to this day (albeit, this date was only a couple of days ago).
She walked me home. I didn't know where she lived and I said, "Oh, I'll walk home this way" and she offered, "Oh I live along the same street, let me come with." OK...? Never had a girl this eager for anything. Why then, would you ask me out for coffee, turn red multiple times as I compliment you, pay for your coffee, give me your number, text me, telling me that you enjoyed our time together and yet not respond for nearly two days? It doesn't at all add up!
I titled a previous Loser Love Diary "I think too much," which proves ever true. Maybe she is yet again engulfed in her doctor studies and would actually enjoy spending more time with me (or is just a really be sadist and enjoys witnessing me pull my hair out in the form of a silly blog that has a reader base of five viewers per post).
Whatever the case, I have got to talk to new girls to get this one off my head for the moment. The more you think about one girl you are interested in, the creepier you will subconsciously come off whenever you do talk to her.
Get a hobby, hang out with guy friends, girl friends, other potential girls to pursue, anything to get her off your mind!
In the past, I've thought revealing that I'm a virgin early on may alleviate some problems (I thought girls were paranoid of men who want sex), but no. It only serves to make you look needy and creepy. Surprise. But how was I to know?
Now, let me review the mistakes I made on the coffee date:
1: Talking too quickly
I was genuinely nervous to meet this girl, because this was the first time I had ever talked to a girl online before meeting her in person (usually the girl should feel this way, not the guy, I digress). My nervousness was easy to identify by the speed at which I spoke, the frequency at which I went to the bathroom (thrice, to be exact) and how uncomfortable I appeared with dead air, as I constantly was moving on to new topics, even if they were trivial.
Today at my university, there was a tour day for high schoolers and I noticed there were some awfully attractive girls with some otherwise rather nerdy looking guys. I think what German girls look for subtly attractive guys, who are quiet, nonchalant, non-flashy, occasionally funny and not easily impressed or excitable. To me, that's the essence of boring. I cannot, nor want to ever be that way. So if the blonde German girls I so [shamefully] lust after seek something like that, they can forget about me providing such stoicalness.
There is almost certainly this notion that the above mentioned personality traits are what constitute "manliness" in Germany. In America, it is rather different; a more exaggerated idea of strength, willingness to fight spontaneously, stand for what one believes in to any end, dress with little regard and to center one's life solely around sports and little else.
2: Showing my pink iPhone
My life is a joke. Life is not meant to be taken seriously. Actually, nothing is to be taken seriously. It is all what we make of it. I got a pink iPhone because I think it's hilarious and I enjoy seeing peoples' reactions when they see a man wielding it. Yet, given this girl's values are more on the conservative, (BORING) German (ALSO BORING) side, a funny man who does not take himself seriously (contrary to all the dating guides I've ever read, which I mean, they should all be right, or am I missing something?) is not something she is looking for.
3: "Lying"
OK. Important clarification. I am one of the most honest people in the known world. I do not kid myself, I poke fun at myself and hell, read my other Loser Love Diaries to see how incredibly honest and open I am with my readers (anyone on the internet who can type in Flammblog.blogspot.com)!
Yet, a girl I barely know, and one, who in turn barely knows me is not so likely to believe that when she already thinks I'm a liar. You see, (as I alluded to in an earlier post), I made my Tinder account say I am actually 26 to see if my chances of getting in touch with a girl were any higher. But because I am so honest, I told her I am actually 21. Why is that such a big deal when she is 23...? Leave it up to women to make mountains out of molehills.
It's very German of me to only look on the bad side of things, but let me reflect on what I actually, incredibly, did well during the date:
1: Kept conversation flowing
Yes, there is a balance to keep when talking to girls, however, I would argue that talking too much rather than too little is preferable. It keeps the girl engaged and if anything, entertained.
2: Complimented her
Right after we sat down at the cafe, I complimented her, telling her she is much prettier in person than in the pictures, to which she turned red.
3: Paid
It's a sign of a good man when he pays, without even hinting at the possibility of the girl paying. Smartly, I also asked her if she wanted something else as I ordered a water after my coffee. While looking at her, I paid and thanked her for the invitation. Classy. Or so I think.
4: Went in for the kill
OK, not really. I didn't pull a Brazilian (kiss on the first encounter), however, I did have the cajones enough to ask for her number. I did it with a straight face and she obliged. What I wonder most of all, however, is what was running through her mind as I asked her. Because that's after all what I am still contemplating. Why would you give a guy your number if you have no intention of ever seeing him again? To let him down easy? To tease him?
Bonus round: one thing she did that confuses me to this day (albeit, this date was only a couple of days ago).
She walked me home. I didn't know where she lived and I said, "Oh, I'll walk home this way" and she offered, "Oh I live along the same street, let me come with." OK...? Never had a girl this eager for anything. Why then, would you ask me out for coffee, turn red multiple times as I compliment you, pay for your coffee, give me your number, text me, telling me that you enjoyed our time together and yet not respond for nearly two days? It doesn't at all add up!
I titled a previous Loser Love Diary "I think too much," which proves ever true. Maybe she is yet again engulfed in her doctor studies and would actually enjoy spending more time with me (or is just a really be sadist and enjoys witnessing me pull my hair out in the form of a silly blog that has a reader base of five viewers per post).
Whatever the case, I have got to talk to new girls to get this one off my head for the moment. The more you think about one girl you are interested in, the creepier you will subconsciously come off whenever you do talk to her.
Get a hobby, hang out with guy friends, girl friends, other potential girls to pursue, anything to get her off your mind!
Loser Love Diaries 26: German Tinder Failure, Part II
Well, after entering my Tinder age as 26 (as per a recommendation from a friend, because he told me when girls see the age 21, they think all the guys would talk about would be cars, sex, etc. and entering my true age would be a disservice to my maturity level), I think the girl with whom I went for a coffee date with is less than happy with me.
She found out that I am in fact 21 because, well, I cannot lie and could not when the subject came up. And yet in this case, not lying in turn makes me look like a lier. Yet the most unfair and most aggravating bit of the whole situation is that I never lie. Not ever, under any circumstance. And yet it's all because while girls may be easy to impress, they're even easier to upset. This untrue first impression of me, then, has served to spoil any chance I may have had with this girl.
You see, I am the world's most pathetic pursuant of any female. So I thought, yes, (in part because I understood as Tinder as a big joke and there was no possibility at all of actually going on a date with a real-live female, let alone her asking me on a date and let alone her actually being pretty) I will gladly and shamelessly take any advantage I possibly can. Making my age 26 fit the bill.
Our text messaging conversation went as follows (roughly, [and translated from German] as I can remember it, because her not responding for dozens of hours at a time pissed me off so much, I deleted it multiple times):
Me: "Hi, it's Michael the crazy American. I hope you enjoyed Sunday :D"
Me (several hours later upon receiving no response, despite her reading it; important to note: via Tinder, she would always respond immediately): "Guess not... XD"
Her: "Hey, sorry I was really busy doing my doctor studies, how are you doing?" (You didn't seem to have any doctor studies when we were talking on Tinder and when you thought I was 26, now did you...?)
Her: "Yes, it was a nice Sunday."
Me: "I'm doing well thanks to the sun finally being out."
Me (question out of the blue several hours later thanks to me no longer giving a fuck, seeing as though she was barely interested in me anymore): "Hey, you seemed quite disappointed to find out I'm not actually 26, correct?"
Her: "Truth be told, it does bother me a little."
Me: "Well if it doesn't bother you too much, do you want to meet again sometime?"
And now, that's as it sits. As of this writing, I sent that message a total of 24 hours ago, and if Whatsapp's indicators are to be believed, she has indeed read the message.
I'm contemplating saying the following things:
"OK, I understand. You want nothing to do with me anymore. Thanks bye."
"You think I'm a liar now, don't you? Well, I'm actually the last person to lie. You can ask any of my friends." (Then again, why would anyone believe anyone who they think is a liar in the first place?)
"Why does age even matter that much to you? You're 23 and I'm 21. So what? I'm going to begin my professional life before you anyway."
I'm not satisfied with any of the answers. I think it's perhaps best to just say to her "Bye," delete her as a contact and be happy with the minimal sense of vitriol I may gain.
I hate this seeming German notion to say nothing when you don't like a guy anymore. Why can't you just fucking tell me, "No, I don't want to see your ugly-ass face anywhere near me ever again."
Why do German girls have to let me down easy? Just tell me what the fuck you are thinking! Let me know what the hell it is I am doing wrong, so that at some point during my adult life, maybe, just maybe, I might find a girl.
German girls, I find also rely too heavily upon first impressions. They never ever allow any second chances -- and every friend of every German girl I've come into contact with seems to have a personal vendetta against me, steering the girls I am actually interested in well clear of me. What did I ever do to do deserve such rotten luck with every single girl I have been remotely interested in?
Let me avoid selling myself short here: I am a very nice guy, I never lie (except when it comes to stupid dating apps), I laugh, I smile (hell, I even got this girl I'm talking about to turn red on multiple occasions, I don't know why I have to stress about stuff like this!) and girls find me attractive. And you know what? I'm such a decent guy, in fact, that I'm not looking for a slantpiece, but really a companion, a best friend with whom it wouldn't be weird to spend most days of the week with, to watch movies with or to talk about deep emotions with. I'm not looking for a girl for the wrong reasons and I know I want a girlfriend.
Perhaps I need to stop looking. If this girl doesn't respond within another 24 hours, I'm deleting her from my life. It's a good thing I took the first step and deleted Tinder already then.
She found out that I am in fact 21 because, well, I cannot lie and could not when the subject came up. And yet in this case, not lying in turn makes me look like a lier. Yet the most unfair and most aggravating bit of the whole situation is that I never lie. Not ever, under any circumstance. And yet it's all because while girls may be easy to impress, they're even easier to upset. This untrue first impression of me, then, has served to spoil any chance I may have had with this girl.
You see, I am the world's most pathetic pursuant of any female. So I thought, yes, (in part because I understood as Tinder as a big joke and there was no possibility at all of actually going on a date with a real-live female, let alone her asking me on a date and let alone her actually being pretty) I will gladly and shamelessly take any advantage I possibly can. Making my age 26 fit the bill.
Our text messaging conversation went as follows (roughly, [and translated from German] as I can remember it, because her not responding for dozens of hours at a time pissed me off so much, I deleted it multiple times):
Me: "Hi, it's Michael the crazy American. I hope you enjoyed Sunday :D"
Me (several hours later upon receiving no response, despite her reading it; important to note: via Tinder, she would always respond immediately): "Guess not... XD"
Her: "Hey, sorry I was really busy doing my doctor studies, how are you doing?" (You didn't seem to have any doctor studies when we were talking on Tinder and when you thought I was 26, now did you...?)
Her: "Yes, it was a nice Sunday."
Me: "I'm doing well thanks to the sun finally being out."
Me (question out of the blue several hours later thanks to me no longer giving a fuck, seeing as though she was barely interested in me anymore): "Hey, you seemed quite disappointed to find out I'm not actually 26, correct?"
Her: "Truth be told, it does bother me a little."
Me: "Well if it doesn't bother you too much, do you want to meet again sometime?"
And now, that's as it sits. As of this writing, I sent that message a total of 24 hours ago, and if Whatsapp's indicators are to be believed, she has indeed read the message.
I'm contemplating saying the following things:
"OK, I understand. You want nothing to do with me anymore. Thanks bye."
"You think I'm a liar now, don't you? Well, I'm actually the last person to lie. You can ask any of my friends." (Then again, why would anyone believe anyone who they think is a liar in the first place?)
"Why does age even matter that much to you? You're 23 and I'm 21. So what? I'm going to begin my professional life before you anyway."
I'm not satisfied with any of the answers. I think it's perhaps best to just say to her "Bye," delete her as a contact and be happy with the minimal sense of vitriol I may gain.
I hate this seeming German notion to say nothing when you don't like a guy anymore. Why can't you just fucking tell me, "No, I don't want to see your ugly-ass face anywhere near me ever again."
Why do German girls have to let me down easy? Just tell me what the fuck you are thinking! Let me know what the hell it is I am doing wrong, so that at some point during my adult life, maybe, just maybe, I might find a girl.
German girls, I find also rely too heavily upon first impressions. They never ever allow any second chances -- and every friend of every German girl I've come into contact with seems to have a personal vendetta against me, steering the girls I am actually interested in well clear of me. What did I ever do to do deserve such rotten luck with every single girl I have been remotely interested in?
Let me avoid selling myself short here: I am a very nice guy, I never lie (except when it comes to stupid dating apps), I laugh, I smile (hell, I even got this girl I'm talking about to turn red on multiple occasions, I don't know why I have to stress about stuff like this!) and girls find me attractive. And you know what? I'm such a decent guy, in fact, that I'm not looking for a slantpiece, but really a companion, a best friend with whom it wouldn't be weird to spend most days of the week with, to watch movies with or to talk about deep emotions with. I'm not looking for a girl for the wrong reasons and I know I want a girlfriend.
Perhaps I need to stop looking. If this girl doesn't respond within another 24 hours, I'm deleting her from my life. It's a good thing I took the first step and deleted Tinder already then.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Loser Love Diaries 25: Thinking Too Much
Here I am, it's 1 AM and I am sitting in my near-spotless room in Frankfurt, Germany with a feeling that my life is empty. With this girl on the verge of ignoring me [for good], I feel so lonely. My issue is as soon as a girl comes into my life (I mean, she asked ME to coffee, what girl does that?!), I get so attached to her.
It's a real shame, but I figure I have to take a page from the way girls think; that is, to treat potential mates as disposable. That's awful, I don't like it, but unfortunately it appears to me that's the way the world is structured. Perhaps I'm too nice of a person to think that way.
I think the prime issue at hand, more than anything else, is my overuse of commas. All kidding aside, (dammit, another comma!) it's that a number of my friends tell me I'm good-looking (guys and girls) or tell me that "Frauen stehen auf dich!" (which translates roughly to "Women like you!"). This, then, puts a great deal of pressure on me to find a mate as soon as possible.
In addition, my family (sisters, mother, father, cousins) all regularly ask me, "Did you get a girlfriend yet?" over and over. There's an expectation that because girls find me attractive that I should have a girlfriend by now. When I told a friend I never had a girlfriend his eyes grew exponentially and seemed to have gotten angry in disbelief.
However, I find (and I've said this on multiple occasions) is that what you can't understand by just looking at me is my odd personality; which repulses more than it seems like it will ever attract.
At the end of the day it has to simply be that girls my age do not know what they want and that in truth, an older (anywhere from 30 and older, yes I find them attractive, eat your heart out) woman would suit me a lot better. The difficulty however is finding one that would not mind having a younger man. Or even down the road having kids, which would mean we would have to sooner than later thanks to her fleeting fertility.
Oh the things I contemplate. I need to work on my car more and think about girls less.
It's a real shame, but I figure I have to take a page from the way girls think; that is, to treat potential mates as disposable. That's awful, I don't like it, but unfortunately it appears to me that's the way the world is structured. Perhaps I'm too nice of a person to think that way.
I think the prime issue at hand, more than anything else, is my overuse of commas. All kidding aside, (dammit, another comma!) it's that a number of my friends tell me I'm good-looking (guys and girls) or tell me that "Frauen stehen auf dich!" (which translates roughly to "Women like you!"). This, then, puts a great deal of pressure on me to find a mate as soon as possible.
In addition, my family (sisters, mother, father, cousins) all regularly ask me, "Did you get a girlfriend yet?" over and over. There's an expectation that because girls find me attractive that I should have a girlfriend by now. When I told a friend I never had a girlfriend his eyes grew exponentially and seemed to have gotten angry in disbelief.
However, I find (and I've said this on multiple occasions) is that what you can't understand by just looking at me is my odd personality; which repulses more than it seems like it will ever attract.
At the end of the day it has to simply be that girls my age do not know what they want and that in truth, an older (anywhere from 30 and older, yes I find them attractive, eat your heart out) woman would suit me a lot better. The difficulty however is finding one that would not mind having a younger man. Or even down the road having kids, which would mean we would have to sooner than later thanks to her fleeting fertility.
Oh the things I contemplate. I need to work on my car more and think about girls less.
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