Friday, January 9, 2015

How to be Popular on Social Media

Whether it's lying your ass off for that next interview on LinkedIn, or even something more important like gaining prestige in the world of Instagram, here are some useful tips to keep in mind:

1. Be happy. All the time.

Studies show that people are attracted to smiling faces, and even more so actually happy people behind those smiling faces. Which is not to be confused with people who simply smile for photographs and are actually quite miserable people in the real world.

2. Have multiple people in your pictures. All the time.

Have other people [hopefully] smiling in said pictures, showing their appreciation for actually being able to surround themselves around you.

3. Never make negative comments. At all.

I don't care how awful your Aunt Jenny looks in that dress or how your sister, well, yes, actually does look fat in that dress. Don't say it.
Don't comment on political links, images or otherwise propaganda. When election season comes around, don't make it clear to anyone which candidate you will be voting for. In fact, don't even make it apparent you are a legal voter, because on social media, only bad can come about.
Political fighting is only spurred on by people who don't know anything about politics, which according to a recent study, 99 percent of social media users are politically illiterate. That means, no matter which fight you pick will end badly. For everyone. That includes your overweight sister.

4. Don't comment about race. (If you're white.)

For every one else (that includes blacks, Asians, Latinos, Pacific Islanders, Swahilis and so on), you can say any imaginable thing that comes to race. Hell, you can rip on any race you want to your heart's content. But, if you're white, you're immediately born without the right to comment on race.
Even if you're not racist, even if you're not a white supremacist, even though you think the Ku Klux Klan is an asinine institution that gives whites a bad name everywhere and even though you simply wish to discuss racial issues for the betterment of American society, you're inherently a racist. No matter what you do. Or at least, it will be perceived that way.

5. Like everything.

In a recent study that I just made up, people love it when you like their content on social media. They feel flattered, they're paid attention, they feel loved. People will then begin to like your content in return.

How do I know all of this?

Well, I know all of this because I follow none of these rules (except #4). I am honest, uncompromising and above all, fall under the category of "not-a-bullshitter" (as *cough* many *cough* LinkedIn *cough* users *cough* are *cough*, man this NyQuil's not working tonight!).
I only like things I actually like because otherwise, liking everything everyone posts could be perceived as fake. Hmm, ya think? In addition, doing so could only guilt-trip your social media friends and followers to like your content in return.
I find the atmosphere on LinkedIn is a disguising one. People manipulate their real-world, natural personalities and say excessively flattering comments at an overwhelming rate so as to please the corporate powers that be.
How fake can you get?
Be a real human being. Not a corporate, cardboard cut-out. Be likable. If you really are likable. Don't be a corporate whore, seeking that extra dollar.
Yes, I want a nice job, but do I really have to be someone I'm not to get it? In the same way, do I have to lie to the girl of my dreams that I'm someone I'm not to get her?
Hopefully, in both scenarios, you answered "no" and throughout this exercise you recognized the awful superficiality that goes into social media.

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