Monday, May 26, 2014

Loser Love Diaries 22: Tinder

The latest online dating app, Tinder, has caught my attention after hearing friends talk about it. 

I thought, "Hey, I've been single all my life and have wanted a girlfriend all that time, so what's there to lose? Also, I can use this app as a litmus test as to if or what kind of girls are attracted to me." Well, of course, I didn't quite say all of that, but I thought it. 

It all then started among a friend of mine and I, not too keen on taking the dating app seriously. We held a contest wherein we would see who could get the most amount of matches (possible by having the most attractive profile, profile picture and liking every girl who is suggested to you). 

Before that, however, when I was testing the app in earnest to see how it works, I liked the girls I actually found attractive and disliking the ones I didn't. But nothing. I guess the girls I find attractive all have one feature in common, which would be their "Hochnäsigkeit," or their inflated self-worth/esteem. Unattainable, confident girls are in my book attractive girls. Girls who come to me are no longer attractive. That's just the way my mind works. 

And the least attainable girls are by far blonde ones, for their self-esteem is so high, that should some lowly man as myself try to talk to them, it will result in at first eye-rolling and then cat-walk strutting out of the vicinity with her possé at her sides. Acknowledging my existence shows she likes me and might give me the impression I should talk to her, but no blonde wants me to talk to her. 

At a club this weekend, I approached a non-blonde (Egad!), pulled my initial move of asking a stupid foreigner question, revealing my American identity, impressing her with my German skills and carrying the small-talk on from there. The rhythm's become so routine, I do it now without a second thought. 

Into our deep conversation (or as deep as a conversation can be on the dancefloor at an electro club), I said to myself "Fuck it, I can tell (like all German girls, these are no exception) these girls are stuck up and I don't stand a chance because I act myself." In Germany, being unique, remarkable, unusual, exotic or otherwise is romantic suicide. You must be as boring and as perfect as possible in order to swoon the hearts of Gernan girls. So given I no longer cared what this girl thought of me, I asked her, "Why do girls dance in circles like this? For guys to come to you?" She said, "It depends." I interjected, "It depends (referring to myself) if the guys are foreign, funny, goofy, unique, or "Asozial"? She laughed and I was clearly doing well on the battlefield we call courtship (yeah right). But her friends (surprised), in typical German hochnäsig fashion, did not approve of me and never would. So those gifts of God cat-walked out of the club, for reasons unknown. Whatever, used to it. Not disappointed with such low expectations after all. 

It seems Tinder was made for Germany, a place where the girls appear to hate to be flirted with and the guys are too shy to do so. 

And after I can see I get nothing but unattractive girls liking me, I can see blonde girls' expectations are astronomically high for their suitors. 

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